Work Impatient

Need to just offer out my dinners, lunches, tests to others near me for a kind donation. I do not know my neighbors and anyone out here would be sketchy about some stranger offering to cook you food for a donation.

I do want to work though, we have no jobs, and other than one very short stint, no income for two years. We are not on any kind of assistance, just seems since the fire we been having a hard time changing our lives for the better other than getting a house built to live in.

There wouldn't be a choice in the food because I am almost never sure what is being cooked that week, I get what looks good in the produce section, grab staples and that's that.

I could always have fixins for tried and true stand-by's:
New Mexico Hominy Pasta
Spaghetti
Chili
Nachos
Soft Tacos/Wraps
Stroganov
Shepherds Pie
Burger and fries

This is all vegan, though, and sometimes when you announce that, it doesn't go over well.

Other job ideas which do not seem achievable:

1. Develop and offer a daily meditative workout a couple times a day, or by appointment-I love this one the most actually, self care, and helping others self care, meet people, go on very local trips to also get a work out in along with photography.
2. Hire a drone afficianado to drop meals off to those in traffic for a fee.
3. Throw tie dye parties.
4. Vegan Food truck in the middle of meat country, where I live.
5. Have my own cafe out here, in a no-mans land for locals and leisurely tourists (it's only 12 miles off interstate).
6. Throw theme movie parties of my choosing (there is research that goes into stuff like that).
7. Invite people over to camp in a medieval tent, ours, I can even serve dinner and breakfast.
8. Rock and wire art jewellery, soap, balm, lotion, keychains, ornaments...that are already made.
9. Take people out to local petroglyphs and other tour guide stuff.
10. Make things for others out of what they give me, for a fee.
11. Get a job at a thrift store for money.
12. Get a job as a hostess in a restaurant, a dark restaurant.
13. Open up our own movie, dinner, and lounge place.
14. He wants to sharpen things for people, make these cool barbed wire scorpion and other barb decor, become a locksmith, flint napper (I can make that into jewellery, or other may want to buy for authentic arrows).
15. We'd love to brew, or make vegan cheese for others, in larger quantities.
16. I'd love to teach others the basics of cooking plant-based ingredients.
17. Love to make miscellaneous things, but no room to keep, want to sell

The list is never-ending, the pocket is finite.

Life With Impatient Ideals

Spouse and I had dabbled in vegetarian/vegan/whole plant foods for about 25 years.

Then I'd go vegetarian and vegan, spouse would either eat what I made or when we went out, he would usually order an animal flesh meal. I also falter occasionally.

It's one thing to know that there are no animal rights laws in the food or clothing industry, but another thing to actually let that waterfall crush you; either by trying to avoid taking advantage of animals, or to tell yourself "the system has been place for a hundred years, it will never change".

It's hard to avoid all products that take advantage of animals or animal parts. The best you can do is start by reading labels to avoid gelatin, casein, bone char-bleached, et cetera. No one should be harassed by not trying harder. Everything is a case-by-case situation, it is hard to decide which food item does less damage to animals, environment,  and people.

It's also tough when labels are wrong. I have a non-dairy creamer which states clearly on the bottom of the ingredients list "contains dairy". So don't beat yourself up, it happens and you are at least making a conscious effort.

Don't advertise your choice, whether you eat meat or plants- no one cares, and there is always an argument for both sides,  just do your thing. There are plenty of things you can veganise for guests. A host can always put other delectable items out for the taking, people will usually try it before they ask what they just ate; or they will ask, wrinkle their nose at the foreign food (tofu, seitan), and if you make it delicious, it will change their perception.

I have found I do a lot more cooking, and it is best if you can cook extra for meal prep; but I also eat more variety since I get bored with the minimal choices of vegetables and protein substitutes at my local grocery.

These next step is to grow our own vegetables. I've been trying to move further away from refrigerated items unless it is cold water and other drinks.

Things I hope to grow to reduce the need refrigeration (some produce needs to be fridged since it spends ripening time in travel):
lettuces
spinach
cabbage
broccoli
brussels sprouts
bell peppers
squash varieties
radish
tomato
...

Also like and may attempt to grow
potatoes
onions
beans
peas
...

Waiting, somewhat Impatiently

The house, as I've been telling everyone for the past month, may be ready to move in in a couple weeks.
If all goes well, the sink/counter combinations might be installed this Saturday, February the 4th. Then just the faucets, shower stuff, and toilet placed.
The electricity, just need the well pump wired, the lighting fixtures, and finishing boxes installed.
Appliances arrive four days after countertops.
And final inspections!
I took a few pictures every week of changes, here is the photo bucket folder of them:
House Construction

Everyone working on the house has been fantastic, the foreman (Tim), and the Cabinet builder (Robert), and the shower tile man (I didn't catch his name), are just a few of the dozen or so brilliant people with brilliant abilities that did their own thing.

The outside shell and original ground work was done by the Monolithic Dome Institute.
Everything else on the inside was done by local people.
It will have taken about six months.
It will be our third house, the first one was an antique we bought near New Orleans, the second was the manufactured double wide that burned.
Will be nice to get out of this rental, since our time married, this will be the fourth rental we have lived in, two of those just since the fire. This isn't counting the hotels and family house we lived in between all of the above.
Will be so glad to finally have the forever home.

Death is Impatient

My cat, October 7th, 2016.

I am not over it.

For a couple months I got almost no sleep and kept a page to type various thoughts, apologies, et cetera. It helped some, but now, almost four months later, I find myself upset again. Here was the page and the last pictures of him.

 I miss my cat

My heart hurts so much. I cannot stop crying. Feel like every time I go into the litter room, or the spot where his food was, that I am violating a shrine area.

I am glad in his last week he got tuna and juice, evaporated milk, road food, time in the sun and grass, eating grass, his favorite dog’s food, a last road trip.

I am glad he won’t be in pain, he won’t have to wear that bandage, he won’t lose anymore hair or weight, he won’t have to worry about a dirty face or fur, or missing the litter and getting it on his feet.

I miss him when I am alone in the room, the only one awake, in the kitchen, vacuuming, cleaning, cooking, prepping.

The only bad things when he was alive was cleaning his food mat/dishes/litter, and trying not to trip or fall and hurt either of us, cleaning his face and fur.

But the bad things for him were the bandage, going deaf and blind all of a sudden.

He was like me, loved the cooler weather, felt some of it this year and his eyes got big, ears went down, and tried to sprint off. And now he doesn’t get to finish off the season.

He won’t be here for thanksgiving, I had a can of cat thanksgiving in  a can for him. He won’t be here for me to take goofy family holiday pictures with. he won’t be here for anymore holidays, ever.

He didn’t die on his own, we had to take him to the vet. He had suddenly gone blind and deaf after having a mysteriously wounded foot for two months. So we thought we were doing the right thing since he looked terrified. But it’s hard when he growls and struggles while receiving a tranquilizer. Then he fell. He had been giving the final shot. He was gone. Then his swan song.

We can’t take it back. We thought it was the right thing to do. I kissed him every time I walked by his open burial box as I was cleaning the house of his things, while the grave was being dug.

I love my cat. I miss my cat.

All his belongings burned in the fire. He didn’t want to play with much once we started moving around. So right now all I can do to save part of him is to pull his hair off the one blanket I haven’t washed yet, save his can of holiday kitty food, save his eating mat, his dishes.

 Want my baby back. I miss him. I love him more than life.

We are now dog people since we don’t have cats anymore. But I don’t feel like a dog person. I feel like an empty person. I miss Crash so much. Why couldn’t it have been me who got hurt, lost sight, lost hearing, not him. not my little guy.

He won’t get to see the new house.

Remembering how he would pull the covers off me to get me up to feed him. That sweet little face. Always asking him if he wanted shower water (he came running because he loved it). His favorite words were “party” and “weffood” (his treat and wet food). He doesn’t come when I use the can opener anymore.

No matter how sad I am or how much I remember what made Crash, Crash, it won’t bring him back or make it all not happen, but an idiot part of me thinks it might.

He’s not going to just appear in the living room sleeping. He’s not going to walk into any room I’min doing something. He’s not going to come into the bedroom and fuss at me to wake up anymore. He’s not going to knock over his water bowl.

I don’t get to flip him on his back in my arms and kiss his belly anymore. I don’t get to cry in his fur when I’m upset anymore. No more going crazy on moth dust, catnip, bird sightings, lizard movement, or bunnies outside the door.

I felt bad that I didn’t take the bandage off him before we took him to the last vet visit. I feel like the worst person in the world because I was just so exhausted from caring for him. now I’m exhausted because I can’t stop thinking about him.

The vet records showed him being eighteen and a half years old, but actually we got him about a year and a half after being married, so he was at least twenty. That may seem like a lot for a “pet” but if it were your child or a friend, after only 20 years, it would be just as devastating.

And this is why people aren’t allowed assisted suicide or euthanasia, because the loved ones cannot deal with it. It’s odd that human doctors can “do no harm”, but veteranarians are allowed to help us understand “poor quality of life” is an acceptable reason to let go.

He will no longer lick gravy off my finger, beg for pizza, knock over a drink, or treat a piece of meat like prey he just got and is shaking it. 

The soap that was pink started having a purple ring around it like the way his skin turned purple as the injection spread. 

The bits of wet cat food left on the plate

I’m waiting for the day i don’t cry. Not being able to sleep, and then getting up and writing on his because all i can do is cry thinking about him.

The dog sometimes looks like she’s sad or thinking about him, too.

Just made tuna. Need to wait a long time before I do that again. Also giving the dog the left over canned cat food. Makes me cry. It all makes me cry. 

Sometimes I feel like I am going mad. I wonder if Crash ever existed. I wonder if he is really dead. I feel like we should have had a wake. Makes me wonder if I should adopt a child or another animal, or if I should volunteer somewhere. 

He was my purpose, my life. I have no reason anymore. I don’t know how to live without him. I miss Crash with all my stupid stupid heart.

I’m also starting to wonder if I need to seek counseling because I feel so lost, and confused, and purposeless.

CRASH. I apologize. I thought at first you could handle being blind and deaf suddenly, but then when you fully lost your senses and started walking into walls, getting scared because you didn’t know where your food, water, litter, and bed were, I got scared. I got scared that you were terrified and that you were miserable. I couldn’t be awake at night to help you, and that broke my heart to not be able to help you, to know you were lost in your own life.

Now that you’re gone, I feel bad because if I were a Buddhist, I guess you would have lived and I would have done the right thing by not sleeping unless you did so I could help you.

I’m sorry I am so dumb and that I didn’t do that. I was already not getting sleep, exhausted, allergies driving me nuts, I was next to delirious.

I’m sorry, please let me stop crying. I cannot have another animal, I cannot go through this again.

I love you so much.

Out of the corner of my eye, late at night, i for a moment, think i see you. and then realize no no that can’t be possible.

I love him so much. I miss him so much. He was my heart. My soul. I am an empty husk without him.

The Car Emergency Bag

In the near future I have decided to keep a bug out bag in my car. Many things used to be in my car at one time or another but never at the same time, and not for the incident.
For the incident there was a comb, tooth floss, wine key, extra towels and blanket, bag of chips, q-tips, tissue, multi-function knife, $15, pen and paper.
This go 'round there will be

• more cash/pen/paper/mfknife/can opener/wine key
• energy bars/towels/blanket/cup/bowl
• toothbrush/paste/floss/wet wipes
• comb/qtips/soap/lotion/tissue/trash bag
• change of clothes/handkerchief

Starting Over

June 12, 2016
Fire began outside house about 2pm or so. I threw dog and cat in my car, swooped all the keys off the key rack, had my phone in pocket already. Drove to a safe location away from the burn.
Fire trucks showed up about 45 minutes to an hour later, but it was too far gone by then.
Neighbors had brought us gatorade and paper towels. I poured water into a change well in my car for the pets.
As sunset began, we had told people we were safe, everything was gone, and a neighbor gave us cash to get a hotel for a couple nights since our wallets had burned.
About 9pm we were finally able to leave and get settled into a hotel (for two nights).
Then went to the store and bought animal bowls, litter box, food, litter.
Second trip was for night clothes; the hotel provided toothbrushes, paste, soap, shampoo, and deodorant.
The next day we bought new clothes, got new driver's licenses, started coordinating with insurance company, and picked up the official report.
The third day, we packed up and drove an hour away to the next town. Pets got to chill at a friend's house while we ate lunch there, did a little more shopping, and then set up in the hotel where the insurance placed us.
We were at this hotel for about 10-12 days.
One friend visited and brought a computer so "normal job" could resume.
One friend volunteered to watch cat while we took off to salvage, and another friend watched the dog.
We were then moved to a rental house by insurance and stayed there about a month and a half.
During this stay, two checks from insurance were mailed to us, demolition began, and the new home builders are standing by to begin after preliminary work is finished.
So the first things one needs when they have nothing is:
soap, shampoo, toothpaste, toothbrush, deodorant, tweezers, nail clippers, lip/skin balm, towels
dog and cat food and water bowls, food, water, treats, bedding, brush, shampoo, litter, box, and scoop
tea, tortillas, peanut butter, apple, beans, cheese, crackers, chocolate, yogurt, tuna, salad, dressing
fish, meat, pork, flour, sugar, yeast, condiments, oil, seasoning, cleaning wipes, and paper towels
clothes soap, dish soap, blankets, thank you cards, games, books, wallets
wine, cocoa, nuts, chocolate chips, oats, raisins, candy, coffee, butter, egg, milk, vegetable and fruit

August 14, 2016
About 2 months and 2 days from the date of the fire, we will move to another rental house which is right next to where both the old house stood, and where the new house will be built. Thank you cards will have all been given out and mailed by now.